CHILDHOOD SHAME & TRAUMA
Q: Why do I seem to never be ok with myself? I suffered childhood trauma. Could that be related?
We have recently confirmed that attachment in infancy actually changes the development of the brain. Without secure attachment, we are unable to self-sooth. When children are upset and distressed and a parent picks them up and soothes them, they learn how to self-sooth. But with a traumatizing rather than comforting parent, the child does not develop a window of tolerance and even the smallest emotion is devastating.
How we were attached to, shapes how we attach to ourselves. If we have had unconditional positive regard that goes with secure attachment, we are more likely to accept ourselves. If our parents were abusive or constantly demanding or needy (such as alcoholic or depressed) and needed our care, we develop negative patterns of relating to ourselves. With poor self-esteem it is hard to sooth your self. Instead, you may always be telling yourself things like “that was stupid,” “why did you say that?” or “why didn’t you speak up?” rather than forgiving yourself for doing something wrong. Insecure attachment means that you are likely not taking good care of yourself and ignore your own needs.
Childhood trauma results in feelings of humiliation, pain, shame or general “badness”. But since a child cannot live without their significant adults the child has to learn to deny the abuse and deny much of her own reality. You may be ambivalent—you can never make a decision because you don’t trust your own judgment. You may often feel numb or find that you act in paradoxical ways. In order to separate from the feelings of badness as a child, you may have developed dissociative disorders. You may find that you have overwhelming feelings of despair, shame and rage. You may be hypervigilant and distrustful. You also may turn all of these negative feelings inwards and experience chronic depression.
The impact of childhood trauma is more severe the earlier it happened and the longer it continued but it can be remedied. It is not generally a quick fix but you can learn to love yourself and others. The sooner you begin, the sooner you turn your life around. This is complex work that cannot be entrusted to someone without the requisite experience, knowledge and skills. If you would like to discuss this further please contact me.
