DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Q: I am in a relationship that is not great. Even though I have never been hit on purpose, my friend says I am being abused and should take my kids and get out. She is over reacting, right?
A: Most domestic abuse does not involve physical abuse “on purpose” although it is not unusual to hear that someone was “accidentally” hit. Before I go further in describing domestic abuse I want to tell you that domestic abuse when there is a child in the home (even when there is no physical altercation and the children are asleep or not in the room) can be considered child abuse and can result in CAS and police involvement. Domestic abuse is no longer considered a private matter.
Now to describe domestic abuse: Domestic abuse is always seen to have power and control as its central components. The power imbalance favors the abusive partner. Both men and women can perpetuate abuse but it is more often the man who is the abuser.
Whereas physical violence is the obvious feature, it is probably the most rare aspect of domestic abuse. Far more common are manipulative features such as intimidation through looks and actions such as kicking things, punching walls, breaking things, threatening to hurt the victim, the pets or threatening to commit suicide. Sometimes there is emotional abuse such as name-calling, put downs, insults, comments meant to humiliate and degrade the victim and fill her with self-doubt. Some abusers will try to isolate their victim by controlling where she goes or whom she talks to. Abusers will frequently not want their victims to meet with family or friends who might label the abuse (as your friend did) and point out that it is occurring. Abusers call independent women vulgar names to keep the victim away from them and they will suggest that, although they trust their partner, they cannot trust men to not hit on them and they justify their controlling behaviour in that way. Abusers often will not let the victim have access to money, or a vehicle, hence controlling where she goes and what she buys. In some homes, children are used to support the abuse. Comments are made such as “see your lazy and selfish mother going out” or “tell your mother that you find her disgusting and you want to be with me” or even more indirect such as, “look at this pig sty. What does your mother do all day?”
All of these behaviours and statements constitute abuse. They are all meant to sap the confidence from the victim and control her behaviour. This is not only a bad relationship but also against the law. Women are frequently afraid to report domestic violence. A counsellor such as myself will help you identify abusive behaviours and explore your options. Do not be fooled. Children are not better in an intact family when it includes this type of degrading behaviour.
