REBUILDING TRUST AFTER AFFAIR
Q: My marriage is a mess. My husband cheated and I am so angry and hurt. He says he loves me and I do still love him. We have kids and I know that divorce will impact them too. You talked about something like this last month but is there really any hope that this marriage can be saved?
A: Yes, if you love him and he loves you, the marriage can certainly be saved, if you both want it. You will feel anger, rage, betrayal, and terrible hurt. He will feel confused, ignorant, embarrassed, and ashamed. But you can both get beyond this if you are prepared to be whole-heartedly dedicated to saving the marriage. Affairs are like opportunistic diseases. They find a crack in the relationship and work their way in, growing and infecting and pushing the two of you apart.
I begin from a premise that is very different than common thought. I believe that trust does not have to be earned; but it can be lost. You can’t prove you haven’t done something but you can prove things that you have done. You can show the efforts made to deserve the trust of your loved one. So beginning from a place of trust—trust that your spouse wants to share his life with you; trust that he does not want to be with anyone else; trust that you played a part in the demise of the relationship. You each must commit to certain tasks. Your spouse must commit to ending the affair in all ways. He cannot ‘be a friend’ and try to help the other woman out. He cannot maintain any messaging whether texts, phone calls or any other forms of communication. You must not ask for or listen to details of the affair. What they did or how they did it is of no relevance to you. You are just punishing yourself and there is no benefit to knowing.
You both must learn to communicate more effectively. You must be accountable for your actions that led to your husband feeling ignored or unloved. He must be able to express his disappointment in himself and be able to share his true feelings without being afraid that he will be attacked and shamed. All of these things may sound simplistic or terribly difficult. They are both, simple and very hard but marriages can be saved after an affair and I have seen it happen many times.
This is a time of year when stress can push people to doing things they may not do otherwise. Affairs are often symptoms of other issues. Now is the time to improve communication styles and clear up indiscretions. Start the New Year with a better and stronger family unit. I wish you joy and peace and new beginnings. Book an appointment now and celebrate what really matters. Do it for you. Do it for him. Do it for the children. It is worth the effort. Happy Holidays to you and yours.
